October 21, 2008

Numb and Numbers

Summarizing my last few days, in one of those cute weekly-magazine-style numerical lists:

Garlic and herb french fries that ended up constituting my dinner last night. I had just finished telling my brilliant and amazing wife that I've been thinking a lot about eating smarter. That the thought of a big, juicy hamburger seemed really appealing in theory, but I knew I would feel better about myself if I had something healthier - a little closer to the tofu side of the food scale - for dinner.

Then the waiter shows up and somehow the words "garlic and herb fries" come gushing out of my mouth. I hastened to add, "Without the cheese sauce."

My wife laughs.

"What?" I ask.

"You just said you wanted to eat healthier."

"Well. Um. The fries have herbs on them."

I think I lost that one.

Five minutes later, the world's largest order of french fries arrives. Way, way, way too much for a single person to eat, but I shift into another gear and polish them off. I think I'm good on fries for a while.

Shirts I've sold from (lord, here we go again) my fledgling t-shirt store. The illustrious GG was my first customer, which was awesome. As either Sarah Palin or Tina Fey would say, there's a special place in heaven for her.

But yesterday, I rang up an order from someone named Megan, who's from Chicago, and who I don't even know - in other words, this was not just a friends-and-family sympathy purchase. Clearly, Megan has impeccable taste. She picked herself up a "Wassup Wasilla" tee, perfect for the Decision 08 home stretch. No wonder it's now one of our top sellers!

As my sister pointed out, I only have to sell about 10 more in order to trigger my first commission check. So there's that.

Since you're dying for more awesome S and J Market t-shirts, I'm working on a new design (very highbrow) that should be posted to the store later today or tomorrow, so stay tuned.

Total hits recorded by Sorry for the Convenience as of late last week. I recognize most of those are friends-and-family sympathy hits, but I'll take 'em. Thanks for reading all of this weird stuff! You're the best!

Foreign countries from which people have visited SFTC since I started tracking last month. The list: Germany, Holland, Hungary, Israel, Jamaica, Peru, Russia, Thailand and the UK. Oh, and Canada. That counts, right?

Phrases "I wrote" that "were actually published" in the 2009 Zagat "Movie Guide." (Yes, Zagat also publishes a guide to movies. I guess it's so you "have something to do" after you "dine" at one of the "eateries reviewed" in their better-known "restaurant directories.")

It wasn't my first time getting "some of my bon mots" into Zagat. I landed a few in the Chicago restaurant guide "a couple of years" ago. But this one was "particularly rewarding" since, the way I see it, I was "competing for space against" dorky amateur movie reviewers "from all over the country" as opposed to just dorky amateur restaurant reviewers from "a single midwestern city."

Oh, "and since you asked," one of my "reviews" that they used was about The Savages (Laura Linney and Rochester's own Philip Seymour Hoffman take care of their senile old dad), about which I wrote "savagely smart script." Hey, they seem to like alliteration. I leave open the possibility that someone else submitted the same exact phrase about this movie, because, well, "savage" is right in the name, and it was a smart script, so "you do the math." But I definitely sent my survey in "with those words" on it, so I'm taking credit. Thank you.

The "other two" were about No Reservations, the flick in which Catherine Zeta-Jones and Aaron Eckhart fall in love (!) after "initially not hitting it off" (!) while working as chefs in the same restaurant. I know, I was shocked, too. Zagat used my "as predictable as a Big Mac" and "a little heavy on the sugar." (Get it? Restaurant, food references. Right.) The movie was actually better than I expected it would be, "so sue me" if they only used my snarky comments. I have a reputation to uphold, people.

Since this post got me thinking about numbers (duh), I was reminded of something my dad said when I was a kid that cracked me up at the time - and still does. I think I was in second grade, and I had just nailed some particularly challenging spelling assignment.

My dad was sitting at the dinner table and I ran up to him and said, "I know how to spell approximately!"

"Big deal," he said. "So do I."

"No you don't. Let's hear."

Without skipping a beat, he said: "A - P - P - R - O - X - period."


bugs said...

1) what's with all the damn " " ?! it's annoying as crap.
2) maybe megan will be inspired to order more tees, now that you made her famous on your blog
3) i don't get what dad said - what am i missing?
4) i believe my quote was "now you only have 24 more to sell" to get commission - what's with the 10 number? that's way too little!
5) it's ABOUT TIME you had a new post. what?! did you have other better things to do?
6) how were the herb french fries sans cheese?! lol

Your escalator operator said...

(And now, the annotated version of the blog)

1) The quotes are there because that's how the reviews appear in Zagat, when they use snippets of everyones submissions to put together a whole review.
2) Let's hope.
3) He spelled the common abbreviation for the word (approx.), and then stopped before it got complicated.
4) I'll have to go check my notes. But it is true that at the current commission rate, 10 more should do the trick.
5) No, but I couldn't think of anything to write.
6) Outstanding, although I imagine they'd have been even better with cheese.

bugs said...

4) only 23 to go
that's the quote - looked it up in my email, which makes sense, as i thought you had to sell 25 to get the $.01.
3) oooooohhhh. gotcha. dad's a funny guy
1) i knew that, but it's still ANNOYING AS CRAP.
6) yes, but given that you're LACTOSE INTOLERANT, i think it's best you went w/o the cheese, genius.

"Highland Park" Attorney said...

BUGS, I think the " " kind of look like little French Fries, maybe thats why they were so abundant in this post as they remind YEO of his culinary adventures (which is interesting because I remember going out to dinner one time with your parents and our culinary expert and it was not at a place where you could order french fries by their gross tonage.....must be Mom and Dad were paying that night :-) )

......I am racking my brain to imagine what punctuation would remind him of a Dodger Stadium Humus plate?!?!?

bugs said...

do they look like little chickpeas?!

"Highland Park" Attorney said...

You got it Bugs, now lets mash those suckers up and make some Humus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your escalator operator said...

This is getting very strange.

bugs said...

you started
(and very mature)

"Highland Park" Attorney said...

Happy Birthday shout out to Gluten Girl!!!!

Loree said...

The Zagat quotes cracked me up. Although I had no idea that they had expanded into movie guides.

It sounds like you ate a lot of fries.