I know you're super-busy this month, what with taking over all of those failing banks and all. But is this really how it's going to work for your preferred customers?
We pick up the action Saturday afternoon. Your Escalator Operator checks out his bank balances online. Something is amiss. He picks up his Sprint phone and calls the local Citibank branch. The lights dim. (Just kidding.)
Me: Hi. I was just in your branch an hour ago, and Chris transferred everything from my savings account to a new higher-interest account. Now I'm looking at my accounts online and it looks like the old account is overdrawn by about $42.
Me: Is that something you can check?
Citi: Yes, one moment.
[30 seconds later] Sorry, our computers are a little slow today.*
[30 seconds later] I see what you're referring to. Well, it's too soon to tell you anything about that. We won't know until Tuesday.
Me: OK, well could you or Chris call me on Tuesday to let me know what's going on?
Citi: It would actually be better if you called us.
Me: What? Really? I think it would be better if you called me.
Citi: Well, we don't want you to be disappointed if we forget to call you. We get very busy.
Me: Yes, so do I.
Citi: So we'll hear from you on Tuesday?
Me: Yeah, I'll get right on that, turdface.**
Couldn't you at least make up a reason that your customer service folks can't call customers back? Tell me the branch phones can't make outgoing phone calls on weekdays or something. But having bankers tell your customers that they're too busy or might forget to - I think I have this right - do their jobs? I think that might be the wrong way to go.
Feeling very preferred,
* It's 2008. I'm guessing you're not using dial-up at Citibank. This is no longer a valid excuse for anything.
** Or else, I just said "Sure" and hung up as she was finishing her "Thank you for calling Citibank" BS. I don't like to upset people who handle my food or people who have access to my bank accounts.