Just plane dumb

I can finally sleep at night, knowing that the United-Continental merger is done.

Except that - even though I don't care very much about either company - I just don't get the decision to keep the United name but drop the well-known United "U" logo in favor of the Continental typeface and the incredibly bland Continental globe icon, which could easily be the logo for just about any company in the world.

I guess United and Continental leadership both needed to save face, but in doing so, I have to imagine they cost themselves an immeasurable amount of brand equity. I hope everyone at what used to be Continental is totally stoked by their big win - getting the signature typeface and unremarkable logo of a now-nonexistent company to survive. Nice going.

Oh, also, I appreciate the airline's assurance that the integration - matching up all of that frequent flier data, route codes, in-flight snack offerings, etc. - will go smoothly. Except that it seems they haven't quite figured out how to code an email yet. To wit:

Writing a check is time consuming

I've had my share of complaints about Sprint in the past - notably, this one - but I have to admit, ever since the company's CEO started wandering aimlessly through Central Park or Impressive Office Buildings in black-and-white TV ads, I think the customer service has actually gotten better.

Now, for example, when they lie and tell me that since I just renwed my contract for two years through a special promotion, they won't make me re-renew it again when I buy a new phone three weeks later... and then they make me re-renew my contract when I buy a new phone, I can actually get them to honor their commitment by badgering a customer service rep on live chat for about 10 minutes. (I love live chat.)

And, now, when they charge me an $18 "upgrade fee" for - I think I have this correct - the right to buy a new Sprint phone that cost more than my last three phones combined, I can get the nonsensical charge reversed by calling customer service and asking them three times to reverse the charge. (The first two times I asked, I was told there was absolutely, positively, no way they could change it, because it was their policy. Apparently, the cliche is true: The third time really is the charm.)

And, now, when the Fancy New Phone I've bought is eligible for a $100 mail-in rebate, I get an confirmation email from the company a scant five weeks after sending in my receipt, telling me that the "rebate is in the final stages of processing and should be mailed to [me] within the next three weeks."

If whatever they're doing to "process" a check is going to take three more weeks, I'm thinking that they're still a little closer to the preliminary stages at this point.

Not so fast

Yesterday, driving through the mind-numbing Los Angeles traffic on the 10 (or the 110 or 101 - Angelenos are nothing if not creative with the numbering of freeways), I spotted a billboard that looked something like this:

Except a lot bigger. And without the drop shadow.

Point is - and I should have thought of this about five months ago - amid all of its, um, "unplanned acceleration" issues lately, wouldn't you think that the geniuses at Toyota would have come up with a slightly less dangerous-sounding tagline by now?

Like, maybe, braking appropriately?

This post written by an increasingly nervous Prius driver.

Endorsement burger

It's not that I actually care that St. John, the women's clothing brand - er, excuse me, luxury knitwear brand - dropped Angelina Jolie as its lead endorser. Truly, I don't. But I did think I'd be able to get a blog post out of it. And, so, I have.

The brilliance is just a click away, on World's Best Burger. (Warning: Unveils my possibly half-baked Tiger-Angelina Endorsement-ending Tryst Theory.)

Fighting impotence

I'm writing today's headline against my better judgment. I thought it would be a nice way to introduce today's SFTC Quiz!*

Ready? OK!

Today's headline, "Fighting impotence" is...
(a) a funny oxymoron, sort of like the name of the Dodge Ram. (Did the geniuses who came up with this name want you to dodge things or ram into them? If I had one of those trucks, I'd constantly be wondering about the proper driving strategy.)

(b) almost guaranteed to result in a steady stream of Viagra and/or Cialis ads over there in the right sidebar for a few days.

(c) refers to my impression of today's Story-That-Doesn't-Quite-Seem-To-Add-Up from my favorite online news source**, CNN.com.

In case CNN.com edits the headline before you get there, here's what it says at 1 a.m.*** on December 16: "800,000 H1N1 vaccine doses for young children recalled; safety not a concern."

Yeah, sure.

Makes sense - I mean, companies recall hundreds of thousands of their products for their lack of impending danger all the time. If anything, according to the story, the vaccine doses might have been too safe - the pharmaceutical company claims they were 12 percent less potent than they were supposed to be. Oh. Kay.

I guess it's reassuring that the CDC says all kids who have received the vaccine are safe. But still, I'm taking a wild guess that the CDC spokesman's comment - that parents should do "absolutely nothing" - might not exactly mollify parents of vaccinated kids all across our great land. Parents are funny like that.

Speaking of the CDC, its full name was changed 17 years ago to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention - the last two words added to the agency's moniker - but the initialism remained "CDC." If I were one of the scientists who worked on the "and Prevention" stuff there, I would be pretty pissed. It's like their contributions don't even count.

I bet it's why these vaccines are so weak.

--

If you have any interest whatsoever in good music, I'd like to point out that an SFTC emerging favorite, Amy Cook, is offering a free download of "Hotel Lights," a tune from her forthcoming album, over here on her website. Consider it a holiday gift from your sixth-favorite blog.

--

Oh, the answer to the quiz? I guess it's (d), all of the above. Which you probably already figured out.

* Since when do we do quizzes around here?
** Not really "favorite," so much as it is the most useful for this blog, on account of its frequently questionable news judgment.
*** I really need to go to sleep.

Stay with someone you hate

I just got a promotional email from a hotel in Santa Barbara where the world's most beautiful wife and I have stayed a few times. Nice place and a great location, just across the street from the beach in one of the most picturesque towns in the land.

I guess the hotel is under new management or something because I noticed a new corporate logo at the bottom left of the message:


You could click on the image to blow it up, but I'll save you the trouble. The logo in question is for a firm called JRK Hotel Group.

I'm not one to make fun of names of people - although I still don't get why Mr. and Mrs. Gaga couldn't come up with anything better than "Lady" for their ubertalented daughter. But unlike most men and women, companies usually have a chance to pick names that don't suck. So I have less compunction about occasionally mocking a corporate moniker.

Maybe JRK is the monogram of the company founder. Or maybe the firm was started by three dudes named ... oh, I don't know, Jeremy, Rossifer and Keyshawn. And maybe Keyshawn lost a bet and his initial had to go last, which is why they couldn't name it KJR Hotel Group.

Point is: I look at the email, at the logo, at the website, and I can't get "Jerk Hotels" out of my mind. Why would I want to stay at a Jerk Hotel? Would you?

It's possible I'm overthinking this.

Undiscovered country

I just got a promotional email from the fine people at Yahoo! Travel - their exclamation mark, not mine - that caught my attention.

Here's a lil' piece of it (click to big-ify):



See the right sidebar, billed as "Top All-American Destinations"? It makes me think that this email would be so incredibly helpful to anyone planning a domestic vacation! Imagine: A reminder that among the top American cities for tourism are places like New York, Philly, Boston, San Francisco and D.C.

(Really? Over Detroit, Schenectady, Timonium, Ogden and Akron?)

I don't even want to click that link to "see more travel ideas" because I'm overwhelmed with the amazing concepts Yahoo! Travel has already provided for me. I never would have thought of those five.

Viewing pleasure

A few random thoughts about stuff on TV:

1) I'm sure glad this is happening today, only because it's enough with the reminder ads already. The intensity of the public awareness campaign for the DTV transition has made me think that this is one of the 10 most important events of my lifetime - like if people fail to switch, we're about to experience another Y2K-type doomsday scenario, and we all remember how catastrophic that turned out to be.

2) You might have seen General Motors' new TV spot, which debuted this week, but if not, here ya' go. My impression? GM's comeback plan seems to center on two points: trying to re-engineer the business plan so that it has the potential to turn a profit (which, the ad basically makes clear, is the opposite of how they used to do things), and liberal use of generic sports photos.

For my money, the strangest image in the ad is at 0:26, when you see a hockey player lying face down on the ice, like a ... um ... dead car company?

3) Predictably, someone has already spoofed the new ad, using the same video, but tweaking the dialogue for maximum comedic effect. Best line of the faux ad comes when the video mocks key elements of GM's strategy: "Greener, faster, smarter. In effect, more Japanese."

4) In case you missed it - and if theater awards telecasts are as big in your household as they are in mine, I'm guessing that you did - the 80s hair band Poison performed its very very not recent chart-topping hit song "Nothin' But A Good Time" on the Tony Awards last week. Which made me wonder what took the Tony Awards people so long to realize that an 80s hair band would be the perfect musical palette cleanser for all of the Broadway theater aficionados out there.

The main point, though, is that at the end of the performance, Poison's lead singer, Bret Michaels, gets absolutely decked by the stage set for the next number. Somewhere in there is a lesson for all other metal bands considering performing on future Tony Awards telecasts. I'm just not sure what it is.

Thanks for your purchase, you irresponsible dolt

Picture this scenario and tell me if you think it would be bad marketing:

A customer walks in to his local Ben & Jerry's scoop shop - perhaps to order a cup of SFTC's current fave, coconut seven layer bar ice cream with hot fudge... mmmmm... yeahhhhh... Oh, sorry, where was I? - and after he pays up, grabs a couple of those useless half-napkins and enjoys that first creamy bite, the kid behind the counter says something like this:

"Thank you for buying our ice cream. You realize, of course, that all of that fat and calories and fat and sugar and fat are going to kill you eventually, so we'd like to invite you to go get a gym membership. Have a good day."

Hard to believe, right?

Yet that's the feeling I got when I read this Earth Day promotional email from your good friends at United Airlines (click image to enlarge):



Maybe it's just me, but here's how I read this message: "Thanks for flying the friendly skies. You realize, of course, that by using our product, for which we charge you lots of money, you're basically going to destroy the earth's atmosphere. So we'd like to invite you to try counterbalancing your utter disregard for the environment by making a monetary contribution to a fund of our choice."

Why doesn't United just make its own donation? Me? I think I'll hang on to my $15. I'll need it so I can afford to check my suitcase the next time I fly. But thanks for asking.

Math hysteria

We hired a new accountant to do our taxes this year.

We'll see how he works out, but I'm pretty sure he'll be an upgrade over the CPA we worked with last year, because, well, I wasn't really amused by an accountant who was serious while saying things like this. On the other hand, I had to pause for just a moment at the end of our first visit to New CPA's office.

New CPA's firm validates for parking, which they do by giving you tiny little annoying blue stickers - each worth 12 minutes of parking time - that you're supposed to hand to the parking attendant on the way out of the swanky underground garage. We approached one of New CPA's colleagues, who I assume is also an accountant (although I have to admit I don't know whether he's either certified or public), and asked for enough stickers to cover 45 minutes.

As I've mentioned before, I'm no math wiz. But I think that'd be right around four stickers.

Which is why it was weird when New CPA Colleague handed us eight 12-minute stickers. I may have been imagining it, but I swear he shrugged as if to say, "I can't really count. This should be enough, right?" Again, we'll see how New CPA does, but in the meantime, I'm glad I'm not relying on his coworker's math skills.

That reminds me: Back in 2001, I was working for a small startup company. There were plenty of signs that our business wasn't really going to last for very long, but one indicator I remember most clearly is a conversation I had with our chief financial officer.

The company's founder had just announced that employees would be paid once a month instead of every other week, and the CFO - at least nominally the person in charge of making sure the company could pay its bills - said to me: "Man, I wish we were getting paid biweekly. I have a hard time budgeting my expenses for a month at a time."

Yeah, he said that. Shockingly, the company laid everyone off within about a year before relaunching with a new business model. And, I think, a new CFO.

Crazy like a doorknob

I can picture the geniuses who came up with the plan for municipalities to resell federal stimulus checks at low, low prices: They're sitting in a darkened room, with one of them - barely visible to the others except for the cigar in his mouth - softly patting his hands together in front of his face. He's saying to the others: "You know, it's crazy enough, it just might work."

Seems sort of like throwing a life vest to someone who's about to drown and then watching them sell off the styrofoam innards to a company that ... buys styrofoam? I don't know - that's where the analogy starts to fall apart.

But it's too bad Congress put the kibosh on that idea. Because if there's one thing that would get us out of this economic mess, I think that one thing would be inventing a secondary market for government bailout money.

That's a lot of "Other"

The new government web site Obama promised - the one that will eventually allow people with a lot of time on their hands to track every dollar being spent as part of the stimulus package - was launched yesterday. You can find it at Recovery.gov.

I find it amusing that, at least for the time being, there's a category marked "Other" that represents $8 BILLION. I guess when the dollar amounts get that small, it makes sense to lump them all in together.

I also find it amusing that the site copy tells us that "this is your money." Kind of makes me want to ask for some of it in the form of a check made out to me, instead of however they've seen fit to spend it.

I do not find it amusing that every goddamn TV commercial I've seen for the last three weeks (casual dining and automakers seem to be the worst offenders) is promoting sales and special deals by calling them "stimulus packages." I guess it could be worse - they could be playing off of the conflict in Iraq by declaring "war on high prices" or something.

Going to the great Fantasy Island in the sky

God speed, Ricardo Montalban.

This might be a little insensitive, but I'm wondering if the interior of his casket will feature soft Corinthian leather. (The phrase was often mistakenly imitated by comedians - or whoever else imiated Ricardo Montalban - as "rich Corinthian leather," but it turns out the leather was soft, not rich.)

Quick aside: If you click the Corinthian link above, you'll be treated to a video of Montalban in an ad for the 1975 Chrysler Coronado. The actor is great. The car? Well, I know it was 34 years ago, but let's just say that seeing vomit-inducing styling like that, it becomes much easier to understand why American automakers are now begging for help.

Great moments in customer service: Hotels.com edition

Let's just say that the Low Price Guarantee that Hotels.com offers for reservations made through its web site isn't so much of a guarantee as, well, promotional copy that someone puts on the web site to make you think they offer a low price guarantee.

The as-short-as-I-can-make-the-story version:

• Booked hotel room for $169; reservation offered Low Price Guarantee
• A few weeks later, found same room on Hotels.com for $129
• Called company to ask for credit for the difference
• Friendly customer service rep said the guarantee didn't apply because the hotel charges a change fee (which all parties knew when I made the reservation), which nullifies the guarantee

Shockingly predictable

Two news items I saw today just knocked my socks off. I mean I was just shocked that those once-in-a-generation geniuses in charge of our awesome pickup-truck-and-SUV manufacturers would do this and not realize it might be incredibly bad p.r.

I was equally blown away that Don't-Call-Me-Pacman Jones, the NFL's version of Steve Howe - that might be a bad and/or morbid analogy, but I'm referring to Howe's repeated reinstatements, not his prodigious and ultimately fatal drug use - would be given yet another chance to suit up and play pro football.

But life is filled with surprises, ain't it?

Step it up, Southwest!

One key benefit of being a member of Southwest Airlines' frequent flier program is that you get a birthday card every year.

So for several birthdays, I've been cheered by the annual arrival of my card from Southwest - I marvel that it always shows up well before any other cards or presents from, well, people I actually know. It has always made me feel like if I ever did anything that caused every relative and friend to stop talking to me, at least I'd get a birthday card from someone. Even if that someone was a no-frills airline whose flight attendants are sometimes a little too chatty for my taste.

So, yes, I was grateful for this year's card, which spelled out "Happy Birthday" using letters from the radio operators' alphabet - Hotel, Alpha, Papa, Papa, Yankee, and so on. That in itself made me happy because it reminded me of the name of one of my two or three favorite albums of all time.

But I have to admit that, thanks to a couple of other savvy marketers, my excitement about Southwest's birthday greetings has begun to pale somewhat in the last 24 hours.

First, I got an email from the fish-taco-making geniuses at Rubio's - at some point last year I became a proud member of their Beach Club, which entitled to me to receive lots of emails from Rubio's. Yesterday's message offered a free meal, up to $7, for my cumpleanos. There's a Rubio's right near my office, so you can bet I'll be cashing that sucker in.

(And when I do, you can be sure I'll be thinking about the chain's rather oddly worded radio ads, which ask you, the listener, to "Open your mouth. We're mentally going south.")

Then, waiting for me in the mail when I got home was a card from Banana Republic containing a $15 gift certificate - either because someone there really likes me or because I have a BR credit card. (Yeah yeah, whatever. You get good discounts. Give me a break.) Fifteen dollars - not bad! Good bet I'll cash that one in, too, since there are Banana Republic stores approximately every four miles in L.A.

So just by living another year - which for the most part wasn't that hard - I earned $22 yesterday.

And I know it's the thought that counts and all, but my thought is that maybe Southwest could fall in line here. I really do appreciate the card, you know, but next year? A few extra drink coupons or a couple of credits toward my next free flight might be nice.

Miscellaneous Monday

In no particular order:

1) After a hiatus of two years or so - during which they probably missed me terribly - I am once again a Costco member. The most immediate result of this weekend development is that my mid-afternoon snack today is approximately one and three quarters pounds of delicious pineapple. Guess what my mid-afternoon snack tomorrow through Friday will be.

Since we don't have tons of storage space in our apartment, it's probably a tossup whether the annual membership fee is a great investment. The 30-pack of paper towels might save us lots of dough, but unless we start crating stuff on our porch, that's probably a little too much Bounty for the humble abode. But if my math is even close to correct, we should be able to make it worthwhile with what we save on gas (almost 25 cents per gallon cheaper at Costco right now, I think) and cat litter alone.

2) Speaking of cats, we took two of our three to the vet for vaccines and checkups Saturday. Is it just Sampson and Brearley or do all cats really freakin' hate getting into their carrying cases? I don't think they even care how deeeee-luxe these bags are - they want no part of it.

Unfortunately, we had to bring Brearley back to the vet this morning for a dental cleaning, which is kind of a production for kitties. So we weren't in the greatest mood while dropping her off and then the receptionist makes it worse by continually referring to our cat as "it," as in "Has it been to our office before?"

I'm no expert on animal hospital management, but I'd hazard a guess that one of the first rules they teach you in vet receptionist school is referring to the animals as "he" or "she." Maybe because pet people want vets and their employees to not make it seem as though they're taking care of inanimate objects.

3) In what must be a sign that I'm now a full-fledged resident of Greater Hollywood, while I was sleeping last night I dreamed up approximately half of an episode of Entourage. It wasn't the most original storyline - I think E cheated on his girlfriend but got caught - but the dialogue was pretty snappy. Maybe there’s something in the air (smog?) that makes people think teleplays.

4) So, you knew I'd get to t-shirt news at some point, right? Oh calm down. I'm not even talking about what's new at S and J Market.

No, I wanted to show you what arrived via UPS this morning. My very own Alaska for Obama t-shirt:

I ordered it a month ago, just minutes after the Palin-Biden debate, as my own mini protest against criminally inept vice presidential candidates. I guess lots of other people had the same idea because the shirt was backordered. But I think I'll wear it tonight when I get home and certainly tomorrow while we watch election coverage.

5) OK, never mind that stuff I wrote before about not boring you with more news from S and J Market. How could I let you go through the rest of your day without seeing our latest new design? Answer: I couldn't.

There's a suburb south of Chicago called Flossmoor. When I lived in the Big Windy, any time someone mentioned the place, I'd tell them I had a brilliant, t-shirt-worthy slogan that the town should use to drum up... I don't know, tourism? The point is: Until this weekend, that brilliant idea was just a t-shirt-worthy slogan. Now, it's actually on a t-shirt.

See for yourself:

Catchy, no? (Weird picture, though. I'm still trying to figure out what happened to this dude's head.) And it's printed on a high-quality American Apparel shirt - perfect for holiday giving! (On sale through tomorrow!)

Not quite a flying start

If you're in marketing at JetBlue Airways, the following probably isn't what you had in mind when you paid the Los Angeles Clippers a whole bunch of money to sponsor an in-game promotion.

In this contest, a fan is given the chance to make baskets from various spots on the court, for the chance to win flights to various JetBlue destinations. The harder the shot, the better the destination. So far so good.

(Although the prize for the easiest shot - a layup from right under the basket - is a trip to Oakland. Which made me think of the W.C. Fields line about Oakland's East Coast counterpart: "First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.")

At last night's Clippers season opener, the contestant made a basket to win that Oakland trip, but then proceeded to miss every other shot attempt. Which prompted the Clippers' emcee - and, again, this is a contest sponsored by an airline - to announce over the Staples Center public address: "Oh, man. You're gonna crash and burn."

Maybe not exactly the best word choice.

The answer was simple

First, a little background: To fully appreciate this post, it'll help to watch this one-minute video or read the transcript of this subtly funny Saturday Night Live commercial spoof from 1988. Or, if that's not the way you roll, you can just keep reading and I'll explain....

The spot, for the fictional First Citiwide Change Bank, poked fun at the self-important talking-heads financial services TV ads of the time. Its premise was that the bank existed solely to provide change - if you had a hundred-dollar bill and wanted a fifty, two tens, four fives and five ones and twenty quarters, First Citiwide was your kind of bank.

The kicker (starting at 0:53 in the clip) is delivered by the bank spokesman, who admits that customers always ask how Citiwide makes any money, if all it does is give people change. "The answer is simple," he explains. "Volume."

That seemed pretty funny to my high-school-senior brain, and come to think of it, it seems pretty funny now. It does not, however, seem like the basis for a legitimate business plan. For, like, a non-spoof company.

Which - finally! - leads me to the point of this post. Over the weekend, for no apparent reason, I was reminiscing about one of the great casualties of the dot-com bust: Kozmo.com.


For those who don't remember, or who didn't live in one of the seven markets it eventually served, Kozmo was a web-based retailer that sold snacks, drinks, small electronics, CDs and DVDs. And with distribution centers strategically located throughout each of its cities, it offered one-hour delivery.

So if it was 2000 - the year before Kozmo krashed - and you absolutely had to have a pint of New York Superfudge Chunk (which I did a few, OK, several times) and a copy of *NSYNC's No Strings Attached CD (which I definitely did not), and you had to have them pretty much right away, it was Kozmo to the rescue. And, despite the almost unfathomable convenience, prices were pretty much the same as you would have paid at 7-Eleven for the ice cream or at Tower Records (remember them?) for the CD.

Oh, and if it sounds too good to be true, it got better still: Delivery was free.

In other words, it was perhaps my favorite company of all time.

But even as I was enjoying the heck out of this brave new business model, I also felt a creeping doubt. Something close to guilt, actually. Without charging a premium, let alone a delivery fee, how could Kozmo possibly survive? I was pretty sure that the more I ordered from Kozmo, the more money I was costing the company, and the sooner it would go out of business. But there was Superfudge Chunk to be eaten, and I had Internet access, so I blithely put those doubts aside.

Until one day, probably just a few months before it all went pfffft, when I had the opportunity to write an article about Kozmo's marketing strategy. While interviewing the marketing director, I mentioned that I didn't quite understand how they could charge the same prices as retail stores, offer free one-hour delivery and absorb all of the attendant costs, and still turn a profit.

I am not making this up.

Her answer was simple: "Volume."

So would that be a t-shirt sail?

I don't mean to be pushy, but Zazzle.com is having a Columbus Day sale today - everything is 14.92 percent off. (I assume they're serious.)

So if you've been dreaming about picking up a lil' somethin' to show off your snarkiness, your love for Tulsa or Wasilla, or that, um, you're a judge (?), today's your big day. Be sure to enter COLUMBUS2008 in the appropriate place at checkout.

Sorry for the commercial. I just really want to sell some shirts because this is kinda bringing me down. Plus I just couldn't resist the sale-sail pun.