Second degree Bern

The Daily Show fans among you probably caught Jon Stewart's conversation with Mad Money host Jim Cramer last night. I didn't, on account of being asleep, but I'll punch it up online later today. (Free video is here; the New York Times news coverage is here and blog report is here.)

Before Cramer came on, though, Stewart recapped the news about old man Madoff getting his bad self locked up. The host offered what should go down in history as the funniest two-sentence analysis we'll ever hear about the whole mess.

Said Stewart: "Madoff’s 4,000 victims include Nobel laureate and Holocaust survivor Elie Weisel, as well as actor Kevin Bacon. So if Madoff has accomplished nothing else, he has now connected Kevin Bacon to Hitler in only two degrees."

Crazy like a doorknob

I can picture the geniuses who came up with the plan for municipalities to resell federal stimulus checks at low, low prices: They're sitting in a darkened room, with one of them - barely visible to the others except for the cigar in his mouth - softly patting his hands together in front of his face. He's saying to the others: "You know, it's crazy enough, it just might work."

Seems sort of like throwing a life vest to someone who's about to drown and then watching them sell off the styrofoam innards to a company that ... buys styrofoam? I don't know - that's where the analogy starts to fall apart.

But it's too bad Congress put the kibosh on that idea. Because if there's one thing that would get us out of this economic mess, I think that one thing would be inventing a secondary market for government bailout money.

Air apparent

After tonight's riveting episode of Celebrity Jeopardy - Aisha Tyler, you smarty! - the local ABC affiliate ran a tease for the sure-to-be-enlightening 11 p.m. newscast.

The newscastress (is that un-p.c.?) was speaking of this terrible tragedy - which, by the way, is exactly the kind of thing that's going to make me tune in for an otherwise worthless half hour of weather and diet tips at 11 p.m. on a school night. And she said something along these lines: "Tonight at 11: A gunman kills 10 people in Alabama in an apparent mass shooting."

Which made me wonder: Which part of 10 people getting shot did she think was only apparent? Well, at least she didn't stick the word "apparent" before "people." Although I'm sure she considered it.

Me and the amazing technicolor dreamblog

I feel like I'm in a wicked blogging dry spell, and I need to get something... anything... posted this week. I mention that because, under normal circumstances, there's no freakin' way I'd write what you're about to read:

Two nights ago, I had a dream that I was in the audience for a taping of Dancing With the Stars (which I never watch*) and was asked by Christina Aguilera (who I'm pretty sure is not even a contestant**) to dance with her. I acquitted myself fairly well on the dance floor, which I offer as proof that this was, in fact, a dream. And also: WTF?

Then, flash forward 24 hours. (How about that for drama?) I don't remember all of the details, but in last night's dream I sat down and had a very pleasant chat with a freckle-free Lindsay Lohan.

If Ashlee Simpson appears in my sleep tonight, I will be drinking heavily before bedtime tomorrow.


* Seriously, never. Well, except for last season's finale, but then only because my parents were fascinated with the whole Warren Sapp thing.

** Not that I would know because, again, I never watch the show. Also, I've listened to approximately one Christina Aguilera song in the last 18 months, so - really - no idea what's going on.

Throwing caution to the wind while at the same time going out on a limb

Secretary Clinton's spring break in Europe, covered in today's New York Times, is probably of major importance.

But I'd like to ignore the news value because a few parts of the article just, um...

1) I realize this is probably on the Times editor, not on Hillary, but that headline calling the entire continent of Europe an "essential partner" in fighting climate change, terrorism and the collapsing economy? That doesn't seem like a very bold statement, does it? I mean, aren't there are only a few other continents to choose from - I don't think North America is in the running, since that's, well, that's us. And she probably ruled out Antarctica early in the process.

2) I've never spoken to a large group of people from other countries who all speak other languages. But if I ever did, I don't think I'd be sure they didn't have to read between the lines too much.

Case in point: Clinton told the European diplomats that the U.S. “democracy has been around far longer than European democracy.” The article reports that the comment drew "raised eyebrows and scattered murmurs," which I think are like the diplomatic equivalent of engaging in a bloody street brawl.

Of course, if someone like, I don't know, this guy, had made that comment, we'd all be laughing our asses off at how dumb he is, what with the Red, White and Blue only having been around for a couple of centuries. Apparently, though, the Times thought that, rather than being historically inaccurate, Hillary was simply misunderstood: "[Her] intention, it appeared, was to compare the United States to Europe’s experiment in trans-national democracy, the European Union."

Memo to foreign leaders: Learn how to read our minds, so if it occasionally sounds like we're insulting you during the next four years, you'll know where we're coming from.

3) If you're concerned that Mrs. C. can be hard to understand, put those worries aside. Because, apparently, she can serve up the cliches like nobody's business. And everybody loves cliches, especially when they're strung together, four at a time. The Times story includes this quote from an interview the Secretary gave to NPR interview about her trip: "We’re testing the waters; we’re determining what is possible; we’re turning the pages; we’re resetting buttons.”

I'm not sure exactly what that means, but it sounds like it might be a fire hazard.

Is there any other kind?

For months, I've been confused by a sign posted in a parking area near my office. It reads: "Rear and side-loading vans only."

Are you aware of any other types of vans?

On the balls

In her Saturday New York Times column, Maureen Dowd writes:

“Until we have a clear strategy, we’re not going to have a clear exit strategy,” [President Obama] told Jim Lehrer on Friday about Afghanistan, noting that he had ordered a “head-to-toe, soup-to-nuts” review of the mission there....

I think that's a difference between Obama and his predecessor in the White House. W just wanted his review of the situation there to be head-to-nuts.