You've done so much for us. Cured disease, created the Internet, facilitated voyages to the moon, proven -- to most people -- the existence of global warming and evolution. Not to mention inspiring Andy Weinberg to feed grape juice, coffee and Tab to houseplants for an award-winning science fair project at Fort Garrison Elementary. (If memory serves, none of the plants outperformed the one that received water -- although the coffee-fed plant seemed hyperalert.)
I'm giving you a new project. Science, I need you to come up with a way to take the world's yummiest foods and make them nutritious. This doesn't seem like it would be too difficult. After all, you've already got the two raw ingredients: yummy foods and nutrients. Now just put them together.
Here are the first few items you can work on:
- Kettle Chips brand Spicy Thai potato chips (Absolutely without question the best potato chip ever. Every time I eat them, I turn into a junkie. After I've devoured the last crumb of potato chip, I can't help tearing the bag open and licking up all of the seasoning left on the inside of the package. When all of the seasoning is gone, I generally break into a cold sweat.)
- Pumpkin chiffon pie (It's based on pumpkin -- how bad can it be to begin with? Just go from there.)
- Every item on the menu at The Cow in Reisterstown, Md. (For the uninitiated, it's like Italian ice but about 1,000,000 times better. And the flavors are ... I can't even describe them. Worth the trip from anywhere in the world. Worth standing in line outside, even when it's 30 degrees and you're freezing your ass off.)
- Microwaveable mini cheeseburgers (Because Jenny would really appreciate it. The ones I've been buying are pre-ketchuped. How great is that? How lazy do they think we are? OK, we really are that lazy. But still!)
- Tiramisu (Also, tiramisu gelato.)
- Pizza (But just focus on actual New York-style; the others don't really count. Again, the basic elements are here for healthful eating -- we've got dairy, we've got tomato, we've got crust that should be thin enough to be good for you. It should be a layup.)
- Coca-Cola Blak (Not because it's essential to my everyday life, but just because there must be so many chemicals involved that it would probably be an interesting challenge.)
Sure, nature has produced a few foods that are tasty and healthy all on their own. There's pineapple, for example. And, um, well, I'm sure there's more.
Anyway, please start with these seven. I really want to eat food that's good for me, and I really want to eat everything on that list. So get cracking.
SFTC readers: What would you add to the list?