Picture. Thousand words. Whatever.

Well, so much for retiring next year. Or ever.

In which I become a wildly unsuccessful entrepreneur

I have too many t-shirts.

There, I've said it.

My dresser drawers are literally overflowing with the things, and for the most part, I can't bring myself to get rid of any of them. Some are ratty but oh-so-comfortable (a red one with a tastefully faded State Farm insurance logo comes to mind). Others are old and stained but have sentimental value (my Interlochen ringer t).

Several are from 5Ks, 10Ks and half-marathons that I ran, back in the good old says before my knees decided to start messing with me. (I'm never getting rid of my shirt from the 2003 Chris Zorich 5K race, which I ran at a personal-best 7:10 per mile pace.)

Since I'm a guy, I also have a ridiculous number of shirts commemorating sports championships I personally had no part in winning. There are at least three Chicago Bulls shirts from the mid-90s, a few from the Ravens' Super Bowl and, best of all, a University of Rochester basketball t-shirt from the magical 1990 NCAA Division III title season. That last one is particularly special, because only players, coaches and recruits got this particular edition. My friend Kyle, who joined the team the following fall, gave me his shirt when I graduated from college. One of the best presents ever.

Oh, and let's not get into event t-shirts that I haven't even worn (Ripken's 2131 game, McCartney in Chicago, Cream at MSG), because at some point I'm going to get them individually framed. That'll happen.

Then, there are shirts that have it all: sentimental value, cool design, wearability and extreme comfort. On this list: a Genessee beer t (a gift from HPA and Mrs. HPA) and my Capitol Records and Guinness shirts (both green, and both from the best wife in the world).

But the thing is, you can always use another t-shirt. (Or, I guess, frame another t-shirt.)

Which is why I'm making a highly tentative, low-risk, low-cost move into the cutthroat business of t-shirt design. That is to say, I've posted a few designs for sale on Zazzle.com.

I'm particularly proud of today's addition to my (ahem) product line. If nothing else, it's proof that our designers (me) can work quickly to respond to hot issues in politics and popular culture. Take a look:



Pretty sharp, right? And more patriotic than paying taxes! (Sorry, couldn't resist. But this is still a pretty unbiased t-shirt. Perfect for the Democrat or Republican in your life.)

Seriously, though, it's really for sale. Over here. It's a soft, comfy American Apparel t, so you know you'll look good.

C'mon. You know you want one.

Grammar school

I have a new second-favorite blog. My favorite, of course, is World's Best Burger, although sadly, the chefs have been on blogcation the last few months. As if going to law school and getting married are more important than weighing in on Mitt Romney and bubble gum TV shows. Psh.

Anyway, my new No. 2 is After Deadline, a New York Times blog that goes deep, deep, deep into grammar and usage. Favorite part is the comments from readers who try to second-guess the editor.

Want a full-on discussion of who vs. whom, or curious about the proper use of the phrase "begs the question?" (On the latter, I'd wager a buck that you've been using it wrong.) If so, After Deadline is your destination.

Best I can tell, the blog has yet to cover whether it's OK to end a sentence with "also, too."

TASTEBUDS HELD HOSTAGE UPDATE: It has now been nine painful days since I've savored the flavor of a creamy-and-sweet-and-just-slightly-spicy chai latte. It was all I could do not to look as I drove by my Starbucks this morning. Don't worry; I'm sure I'll be OK.

Great moments in customer service: Citi edition

Dear Citibank:

I know you're super-busy this month, what with taking over all of those failing banks and all. But is this really how it's going to work for your preferred customers?

We pick up the action Saturday afternoon. Your Escalator Operator checks out his bank balances online. Something is amiss. He picks up his Sprint phone and calls the local Citibank branch. The lights dim. (Just kidding.)

Me: Hi. I was just in your branch an hour ago, and Chris transferred everything from my savings account to a new higher-interest account. Now I'm looking at my accounts online and it looks like the old account is overdrawn by about $42.

Citi: [Silence]

Me: Is that something you can check?

Citi: Yes, one moment.
[30 seconds later] Sorry, our computers are a little slow today.*
[30 seconds later] I see what you're referring to. Well, it's too soon to tell you anything about that. We won't know until Tuesday.

Me: OK, well could you or Chris call me on Tuesday to let me know what's going on?

Citi: It would actually be better if you called us.

Me: What? Really? I think it would be better if you called me.

Citi: Well, we don't want you to be disappointed if we forget to call you. We get very busy.

Me: Yes, so do I.

Citi: So we'll hear from you on Tuesday?

Me: Yeah, I'll get right on that, turdface.**

Couldn't you at least make up a reason that your customer service folks can't call customers back? Tell me the branch phones can't make outgoing phone calls on weekdays or something. But having bankers tell your customers that they're too busy or might forget to - I think I have this right - do their jobs? I think that might be the wrong way to go.

Nice work.

Feeling very preferred,
SFTC

* It's 2008. I'm guessing you're not using dial-up at Citibank. This is no longer a valid excuse for anything.

** Or else, I just said "Sure" and hung up as she was finishing her "Thank you for calling Citibank" BS. I don't like to upset people who handle my food or people who have access to my bank accounts.

Debate 3

As a rule, I'm not doing posts that merely send you to other blogs. But I'm making an exception in this case because I make the rules here, punk.

Do yourself a favor and check out Ph33r and Loathing's Sarah Palin Debate Flow Chart. (The graphic is at the bottom of his Oct. 2 "Moosehunter" post.) It's a little slice of brilliance. Big thanks to GlutenGirl in the D.C. for sending it to me.

Seriously, go look at it. Why? Because she can't name a newspaper or magazine. That's why. (Just in case the flow chart is unclear, here's a full-size version.)

OK, I'm done with posts related to the VP debate. For today, anyway.

Debate 2

I feel bad writing this because I don't want to offend the good men and women who provide in-flight service on our nation's passenger planes.

But while watching Ms. Palin last night, I kept thinking that flight attendant would be a good next job for her.

Also, anyone else enjoy hearing her relay that McCain's world view "says that America is a nation of exceptionalism"? Really, exceptionalism? Well, I guess that was better than her "shout-out" to Gladys Wood Elementary School, establishing a new high watermark for the use of hip street lingo during a nationally televised political debate. (Full transcript here.) Oh, Dan Quayle, how I miss your command of the English language.

Debate

Let's just say, hypothetically, that I had spent 90 minutes last night on national TV doing nothing but pounding Jager shots, while someone sitting next to me drank two glasses of water and ate a vanilla wafer.

Could you blame me if I went back on national TV this morning and announced: Wow, that other guy? He really has a drinking problem!

Isn't this - the headline especially - sort of the same thing?